I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
...so i touched it.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
