Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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