i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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