just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
