I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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