Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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