he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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