Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
NoShamevember. You game?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
