piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
