Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
