dude i'm inner monologue high
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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