I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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