chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
