Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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