i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
