I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
