This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
