Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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