I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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