you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
God, I missed his penis.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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