he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
