dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
