I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
