Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
