it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
