what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
