my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
