I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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