Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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