3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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