He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
