I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
