i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
