I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
