My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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