Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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