just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
