We got so high we made milksteak
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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