Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
