ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
lol hangovers are for mortals.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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