Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
