sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
