I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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