he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
