So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
