Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
