No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
