Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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