he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
