You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
