i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
