We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
