my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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