I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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