I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
