When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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