Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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