Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
