YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
